Awesome to Awful and Back Again...

I don't care what anyone says - prayer works! Sometimes God answers in a way you weren't expecting - and it's actually better than you were expecting! - and sometimes He answers immediately. A couple of days ago I experienced the latter:

I recieved an email which, for no real reason, rubbed me up the wrong way. Time of the month? My cold coming on? Possibly. Anyway; I was feeling anger, an emotion I don't do well at all, welling up inside of me throughout the morning. My anxiety started to kick in, too. Not a good way to go to work. So I took myself into the hall, away from William's noise, and prayed. I asked God to help calm the anger and help me get some perspective. I also asked Him to help me with 'the Veritasse situation' and before I'd even finished praying I felt happier, calmer and had total perspective on the whole situation! God is truly awesome!!!

- - - -

For the past three years I have been persuing a complaint against the NHS regarding complications surrounding the pregnancy and subsequent birth of my son. I'm not going to started mud-slinging on this blog as there was also plenty of good support, but I will give you the background and basic outline: I have a condition called vulval vestibulitis (click for more info.) It means that I can't use tampons or have normal penetrative sex, so you can imagine my fear of giving birth naturally! Imagine a huge sore blister on the inside of your bottom lip. Now imagine pushing a melon out of your mouth past it. Exactly!

I didn't recieve the correct information or support throughout my pregnancy (as has been admitted by the trust) and women with VV are apparently not eligible for a caesarean section, according to the World Health Organisation (WHO.)

My consultant midwife was ineffective which made my anxiety worse. I have a witness to my initial consultation - my husband - but the trust are backing her completely and are refusing to admit she was in any way culpable. It's basically my word against theirs and my notes 'apparently' show her to be in the right. Interesting...

My depression re-occurred and was re-named Post-Natal Depression (as it recurred as a direct result of the birth trauma) and I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, for which I was treated for a year.

I'm now getting back on my feet, but I begrudge the mental health problems I and my husband and new-born baby had to be subjected to. For two years before I had William I was in recovery and felt strong enough, emotionally and mentally, to cope with a baby. Complications meant I was unable to breastfeed (which I'd intented to) as I was in so much pain for the first few days after the birth and even unable to pick William up for changes or feeds.

Anyway, now I'm in the tricky position of deciding whether to keep going with this. I'm not going to sue - I've missed the three-year deadline, anyway - and it's not money I want, it's justice and the hope that another woman won't go through what I went through. They have made some policy changes as a direct result of this, which is brilliant, but they're still goverened by what I think are ridiculous WHO guidelines beyond their control.

So there's only one way for me to go really, straight to the WHO and appeal for a change in policy. The idea that women who find sex nigh on if not actually impossible don't automatically qualify for a caesarean is frankly ridiculous!

Sorry for going on a bit...I actually held back quite a lot! Anger and blame doesn't solve anything. What's needed (as ever) is a change in the system. Just like with the mental health services in this country, it's usually the system that's at fault.

- - - - - - - - -

But back to awesomeness (is that a word?)... It's worth mentioning that because of the VV diagnosis, 11 years ago, I was given to understand that having a baby by natural means would be out of the question. We prayed and prayed and I got more depressed, then God sent us a beautiful boy - when we were ready for a baby. He probably had William earmarked for us all along, but waited for us to be in a better position to deal with a new baby. Any earlier and we'd have had less money, deeper mental illhealth and been less able to cope. Awesome!!!

Hooray!

I think my mojo is back!

I made two new images today. I even managed to post-process them and upload them to Flickr and Facebook - all within a few hours!

Sadness is a shot of my wilting Mother's Day tulips. Dying flowers are such a depressing sight.

Easter is a silly photo with a serious message. A reminder (to me as much as anyone) that Easter is more than just chocolate eggs.






















Incidentally; if you want to find me on Flickr, my username is: Emma in Wonderland! (With the exclamation mark.)

Personal Memo

Emma, pay attention! Things to do in the not-too-distant future:

• Buy a new swimsuit, suitable for taking a toddler to the local pool. The deeply plunging neckline and high-leg cut of your other one really should be saved for summer holidays!
• Start eating fruit. You know you won't, but you keep putting it in these sort of lists in hope...(NB: the orange in a Terry's Chocolate Orange doesn't count.)
• Buy a new wheely suitcase for Spring Harvest, etc. One that won't split just because an airline baggage handler merely looked at it.
• Wear skirts! You promised this last year and even made it a New Year's resolution...then used that crappy summer as an excuse to carry on living in jeans. You have four gorgeous new skirts. You even have tops to go with them. So wear them, dammit!
• Dry clean some clothes. You have several items that need dry cleaning so get off your backside and sort it!
• Find the time to do some more photography. You have ideas coming out the wazoo (love that expression!) so go for it!!!
• Watch all those programmes you Sky+'d all those months ago! Just do it!!!
• Collect your A Level photography certificate and dissertation from college. It's only been there since November, for goodness' sake! You earned it - so go get it!!!
• Remember all the other things you were going to put on this list that made this list so important and which have now fallen clean out of your head since getting home...

A great Mother's Day!

Today was a brilliant day!!!

After church I helped foil a crime! We stopped at a petrol station and when Healey (my husband) went inside I saw a bloke with a handbag looking very shifty. Turned out my instincts were right - he had nicked it. I saw him dump it and take something out (a piece of paper, possibly a banknote) then walk off. While sat in the car, totally frustrated because I had my son in the car so I couldn't go after him or retrieve the bag and I'd left my phone at a friend's the night before, so I couldn't ring the police. Anyway - he came back and I shot across the road to get a good look at him. I then fetched the bag out of the dumpster and reported it to the centre security. Turns out a girl had seen him seconds before and rung the police and an assistant at Sainsbury's reported him for trying to pass a bad cheque just after I'd seen him with 'the piece of paper'!

The police caught him and I'm at home now, after eating a delicious roast chicken dinner, lovingly cooked by my other half, awaiting some coppers so I can give them my statement.

The guy got caught. There were at least 3 reliable witnesses. I ID'd him on the CCTV and the woman got her bag back. Result!!!


In other news: I had a lovely bunch of tulips and a box of my favourite chocolates (Dairy Box) from my son this morning!

So...I'm finally starting a blog. To be honest, I'm not sure who I'm writing this for. Me? Friends? God? My therapist? The fellow blogger who happens to pass by and stop? Who knows? I don't and I don't think it really matters to be honest. What counts is that I'm finally getting all this stuff out of my head and 'on to paper,' as t'were.

A good place to start might be a bit about myself. I won't go into too much detail at this stage. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me and I can be a bit full-on, life-history-wise. Tip: Never ask me how I am unless you really, really want to know, because I will tell you. In detail, if necessary!

So...a quick summing up
At time of typing...34-yr-old, married, mostly-stay-at-home mum; blonde; pt-time cafe assistant; semi-pro actor and photographer with a long history of mental illness and a very serious addiction to milk chocolate. My pet hates are rudeness and spitting. My phobias are spiders and hypodermic needles. The most important things in my life are my husband and our 3-year-old son, my Christian faith, my parents and my friends. I enjoy photography and am currently exploring ways to both use it as a tool to praise God and share my faith AND trying to make it pay. Not easy!

That's probably enough for now. We'll get to know each other better as we go along and if you hang around here a bit you'll find out a lot, lot more, I'm sure. I have (like most people) a few secrets and skeletons on my closet, many foibles and much weirdness about me and when I open up, I really open up! The medication has a lot to answer for, too...

Welcome to Wonderland - stick around for the ride!

God bless,
Emma