CRASH

I've fallen back down the rabbit hole. The consultant offered me the proverbial red pill or blue pill and I chose wrong - now I'm paying for it.

Because my biggest problem seemed to be the 3 years without proper sleep (plus the clinical depression/post- natal depression and anxiety disorder) I switched from trifluoperazine started taking Trazodone to help me sleep. The problem is that the low dose I take, as a sleeping draught, doesn't work as an anti-depressant, but if I take a higher dose I need to sleep longer, which I can't do as I have a 3-year-old son to look after.

This means I can only take my full meds on Sunday and Tuesday evenings, because William is at nursery on mondays and Wednesdays. For the rest of the week I can only take a small dose. I already feel guilty enough about being only half a mum to William. I refuse to put him in danger or neglect him due to medication.

Result: I am now in the middle of a massive depressive crash. I can't describe how awful I feel , about everything. I'm trying sooo hard not to be negative about everything.

I'm seeing my psychiatric consultant tomorrow (yet another new one, but he seems nice from what Healey has told me about their recent phone conversation.) I really hope Healey can get the afternoon off work. I know I'll put my public face on and won't explain fully what's been going on.

Confession: I have been self-harming again. It's not that I've ignored the warning s signs of this crash, it's that I was unable to do anything to avoid it.

What I really need: A medication that makes me sleep right through the night, but not too drowsy throughout the next day. Or someone to take care of William in the mornings so I can get enough sleep. Hah, fat chance!

Sometimes, on the better days, I see my mental illness as a blessing...a gateway to creativity and other things. But at times like this I just wonder; will I ever be free of it?

Sorry I've not been around...(Warning: long moan!)

...my health has taken a massive downturn. I've missed a month off work and am about to have blood tests on Friday, then an MRI scan on my shoulder and the dreaded smear test next week.

Just to fill you in: my depression has been at its worst since 2006; my 'bad' shoulder has got worse and the orthopaedic consultant suspects a SLAP lesion (possibly torn muscle/ligament) so I need an MRI which means having x-ray fluid injected deep into my shoulder first and I have a condition called vestibulodynia (did I tell you that already?)which means smear tests are particularly painful.

I'm missing out on work, the theatre company, photography and just having a regular, adult life.

I am very needle-phobic and my anxiety is out of control. My sleeping pattern is worse than ever so I'm constantly fatigued. All in all I'm having an awful time of it. I can just about do one thing a day. By 6pm I'm wiped out, but still can't sleep properly. I'm self-harmong again. My photography business isn't exactly taking off and so Healey is still having to work extra hours so he's always tired, too. My Mum's MS is really bad at the moment, she's almost housebound and I can't help her.

I've really, really had enough.

So...I'm finally starting a blog. To be honest, I'm not sure who I'm writing this for. Me? Friends? God? My therapist? The fellow blogger who happens to pass by and stop? Who knows? I don't and I don't think it really matters to be honest. What counts is that I'm finally getting all this stuff out of my head and 'on to paper,' as t'were.

A good place to start might be a bit about myself. I won't go into too much detail at this stage. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me and I can be a bit full-on, life-history-wise. Tip: Never ask me how I am unless you really, really want to know, because I will tell you. In detail, if necessary!

So...a quick summing up
At time of typing...34-yr-old, married, mostly-stay-at-home mum; blonde; pt-time cafe assistant; semi-pro actor and photographer with a long history of mental illness and a very serious addiction to milk chocolate. My pet hates are rudeness and spitting. My phobias are spiders and hypodermic needles. The most important things in my life are my husband and our 3-year-old son, my Christian faith, my parents and my friends. I enjoy photography and am currently exploring ways to both use it as a tool to praise God and share my faith AND trying to make it pay. Not easy!

That's probably enough for now. We'll get to know each other better as we go along and if you hang around here a bit you'll find out a lot, lot more, I'm sure. I have (like most people) a few secrets and skeletons on my closet, many foibles and much weirdness about me and when I open up, I really open up! The medication has a lot to answer for, too...

Welcome to Wonderland - stick around for the ride!

God bless,
Emma