Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, 18 January 2010
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Night of the Living Dead...and a nice surprise!
The 'living dead' in question being me...
My 'baby' boy (now 3!) had his first sleepover last night...won't know how it went 'til at least 11am. My hubby is away working this weekend but the new meds I'm on render me a complete zombie 'til around lunchtime so for my boy's sake he's stayed with good friends. He was supposed to be with our fabulous babysitter/nanny but she unfortunately had to cancel on Friday due to the 'flu, poor thing! Thank goodness, though, for Andy and Sarah who were able to heed the call at the last minute!
[Aside: I do wonder how many children end up abused and neglected because their otherwise well-meaning parents are drugged up to the eyeballs on prescription medication. I mean, my illness was reclassified as 'post-natal depression', yet there hasn't been a health visitor or psychiatric professional anywhere near our home in 3 years. I know William is ok...but the world outside our home only has our word for that. #Takes a deep breath# Okay, rant over. ]
~ ~ ~
Anyway, some good news! I woke up this morning to find I'd been featured in this Etsy treasury: http://www.etsy.com/treasury_list_west.php?room_id=73168 which was a lovely surprise!
Em ♥
My 'baby' boy (now 3!) had his first sleepover last night...won't know how it went 'til at least 11am. My hubby is away working this weekend but the new meds I'm on render me a complete zombie 'til around lunchtime so for my boy's sake he's stayed with good friends. He was supposed to be with our fabulous babysitter/nanny but she unfortunately had to cancel on Friday due to the 'flu, poor thing! Thank goodness, though, for Andy and Sarah who were able to heed the call at the last minute!
[Aside: I do wonder how many children end up abused and neglected because their otherwise well-meaning parents are drugged up to the eyeballs on prescription medication. I mean, my illness was reclassified as 'post-natal depression', yet there hasn't been a health visitor or psychiatric professional anywhere near our home in 3 years. I know William is ok...but the world outside our home only has our word for that. #Takes a deep breath# Okay, rant over. ]
~ ~ ~
Anyway, some good news! I woke up this morning to find I'd been featured in this Etsy treasury: http://www.etsy.com/treasury_list_west.php?room_id=73168 which was a lovely surprise!
Em ♥
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
CRASH
I've fallen back down the rabbit hole. The consultant offered me the proverbial red pill or blue pill and I chose wrong - now I'm paying for it.
Because my biggest problem seemed to be the 3 years without proper sleep (plus the clinical depression/post- natal depression and anxiety disorder) I switched from trifluoperazine started taking Trazodone to help me sleep. The problem is that the low dose I take, as a sleeping draught, doesn't work as an anti-depressant, but if I take a higher dose I need to sleep longer, which I can't do as I have a 3-year-old son to look after.
This means I can only take my full meds on Sunday and Tuesday evenings, because William is at nursery on mondays and Wednesdays. For the rest of the week I can only take a small dose. I already feel guilty enough about being only half a mum to William. I refuse to put him in danger or neglect him due to medication.
Result: I am now in the middle of a massive depressive crash. I can't describe how awful I feel , about everything. I'm trying sooo hard not to be negative about everything.
I'm seeing my psychiatric consultant tomorrow (yet another new one, but he seems nice from what Healey has told me about their recent phone conversation.) I really hope Healey can get the afternoon off work. I know I'll put my public face on and won't explain fully what's been going on.
Confession: I have been self-harming again. It's not that I've ignored the warning s signs of this crash, it's that I was unable to do anything to avoid it.
What I really need: A medication that makes me sleep right through the night, but not too drowsy throughout the next day. Or someone to take care of William in the mornings so I can get enough sleep. Hah, fat chance!
Because my biggest problem seemed to be the 3 years without proper sleep (plus the clinical depression/post- natal depression and anxiety disorder) I switched from trifluoperazine started taking Trazodone to help me sleep. The problem is that the low dose I take, as a sleeping draught, doesn't work as an anti-depressant, but if I take a higher dose I need to sleep longer, which I can't do as I have a 3-year-old son to look after.
This means I can only take my full meds on Sunday and Tuesday evenings, because William is at nursery on mondays and Wednesdays. For the rest of the week I can only take a small dose. I already feel guilty enough about being only half a mum to William. I refuse to put him in danger or neglect him due to medication.
Result: I am now in the middle of a massive depressive crash. I can't describe how awful I feel , about everything. I'm trying sooo hard not to be negative about everything.
I'm seeing my psychiatric consultant tomorrow (yet another new one, but he seems nice from what Healey has told me about their recent phone conversation.) I really hope Healey can get the afternoon off work. I know I'll put my public face on and won't explain fully what's been going on.
Confession: I have been self-harming again. It's not that I've ignored the warning s signs of this crash, it's that I was unable to do anything to avoid it.
What I really need: A medication that makes me sleep right through the night, but not too drowsy throughout the next day. Or someone to take care of William in the mornings so I can get enough sleep. Hah, fat chance!
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
A Day of Two Halves
Yesterday morning I went for the MRI on my right shoulder. I had to have x-ray fluid injected beforehand which was the part which I'd been dreading, so I took a couple of my strongest anti-anxiety tablets and was basically stoned throughout! I was actually giggling in the car on the way! The consultant and nurses were great and it was all over very quickly and with the least anount of fuss and pain.
The MRI itself was a wierd experience. I had headphones on to block out some of the noise - whoich was still very loud - and they piped classical muzak in! I just closed my eyes and daydreamed (the medication helped...) It wasn't really claustraphobic at all, as it's open both ends and plenty of light gets in. They also blow oxygen in so it's not stuffy either so if you ever need one - don't fret!
- - - - - -
In the afternoon (after a nap) I went across the road into the woods to take some photographs. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. I then went onto the field over the brook and it was full of buttercups! A wonderful sight! I got a couple of good shots and there's one in particular that I'm very pleased with. I've added a little bit of texture in post-processing to soften the image and slightly mute the pretty yellows and greens. I can't wait to print an 8x10" version to see how it comes out!
As I walked back from the field I had to congratulate God for such a lovely day and such beautiful buttercups. I also thanked him for sharing it with us. Awesome to think He created each and every petal!
The MRI itself was a wierd experience. I had headphones on to block out some of the noise - whoich was still very loud - and they piped classical muzak in! I just closed my eyes and daydreamed (the medication helped...) It wasn't really claustraphobic at all, as it's open both ends and plenty of light gets in. They also blow oxygen in so it's not stuffy either so if you ever need one - don't fret!
- - - - - -
In the afternoon (after a nap) I went across the road into the woods to take some photographs. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. I then went onto the field over the brook and it was full of buttercups! A wonderful sight! I got a couple of good shots and there's one in particular that I'm very pleased with. I've added a little bit of texture in post-processing to soften the image and slightly mute the pretty yellows and greens. I can't wait to print an 8x10" version to see how it comes out!
As I walked back from the field I had to congratulate God for such a lovely day and such beautiful buttercups. I also thanked him for sharing it with us. Awesome to think He created each and every petal!
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Sorry I've not been around...(Warning: long moan!)
...my health has taken a massive downturn. I've missed a month off work and am about to have blood tests on Friday, then an MRI scan on my shoulder and the dreaded smear test next week.
Just to fill you in: my depression has been at its worst since 2006; my 'bad' shoulder has got worse and the orthopaedic consultant suspects a SLAP lesion (possibly torn muscle/ligament) so I need an MRI which means having x-ray fluid injected deep into my shoulder first and I have a condition called vestibulodynia (did I tell you that already?)which means smear tests are particularly painful.
I'm missing out on work, the theatre company, photography and just having a regular, adult life.
I am very needle-phobic and my anxiety is out of control. My sleeping pattern is worse than ever so I'm constantly fatigued. All in all I'm having an awful time of it. I can just about do one thing a day. By 6pm I'm wiped out, but still can't sleep properly. I'm self-harmong again. My photography business isn't exactly taking off and so Healey is still having to work extra hours so he's always tired, too. My Mum's MS is really bad at the moment, she's almost housebound and I can't help her.
I've really, really had enough.
Just to fill you in: my depression has been at its worst since 2006; my 'bad' shoulder has got worse and the orthopaedic consultant suspects a SLAP lesion (possibly torn muscle/ligament) so I need an MRI which means having x-ray fluid injected deep into my shoulder first and I have a condition called vestibulodynia (did I tell you that already?)which means smear tests are particularly painful.
I'm missing out on work, the theatre company, photography and just having a regular, adult life.
I am very needle-phobic and my anxiety is out of control. My sleeping pattern is worse than ever so I'm constantly fatigued. All in all I'm having an awful time of it. I can just about do one thing a day. By 6pm I'm wiped out, but still can't sleep properly. I'm self-harmong again. My photography business isn't exactly taking off and so Healey is still having to work extra hours so he's always tired, too. My Mum's MS is really bad at the moment, she's almost housebound and I can't help her.
I've really, really had enough.
Saturday, 21 March 2009
So...I'm finally starting a blog. To be honest, I'm not sure who I'm writing this for. Me? Friends? God? My therapist? The fellow blogger who happens to pass by and stop? Who knows? I don't and I don't think it really matters to be honest. What counts is that I'm finally getting all this stuff out of my head and 'on to paper,' as t'were.
A good place to start might be a bit about myself. I won't go into too much detail at this stage. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me and I can be a bit full-on, life-history-wise. Tip: Never ask me how I am unless you really, really want to know, because I will tell you. In detail, if necessary!
So...a quick summing up
At time of typing...34-yr-old, married, mostly-stay-at-home mum; blonde; pt-time cafe assistant; semi-pro actor and photographer with a long history of mental illness and a very serious addiction to milk chocolate. My pet hates are rudeness and spitting. My phobias are spiders and hypodermic needles. The most important things in my life are my husband and our 3-year-old son, my Christian faith, my parents and my friends. I enjoy photography and am currently exploring ways to both use it as a tool to praise God and share my faith AND trying to make it pay. Not easy!
That's probably enough for now. We'll get to know each other better as we go along and if you hang around here a bit you'll find out a lot, lot more, I'm sure. I have (like most people) a few secrets and skeletons on my closet, many foibles and much weirdness about me and when I open up, I really open up! The medication has a lot to answer for, too...
Welcome to Wonderland - stick around for the ride!
God bless,
Emma
A good place to start might be a bit about myself. I won't go into too much detail at this stage. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me and I can be a bit full-on, life-history-wise. Tip: Never ask me how I am unless you really, really want to know, because I will tell you. In detail, if necessary!
So...a quick summing up
At time of typing...34-yr-old, married, mostly-stay-at-home mum; blonde; pt-time cafe assistant; semi-pro actor and photographer with a long history of mental illness and a very serious addiction to milk chocolate. My pet hates are rudeness and spitting. My phobias are spiders and hypodermic needles. The most important things in my life are my husband and our 3-year-old son, my Christian faith, my parents and my friends. I enjoy photography and am currently exploring ways to both use it as a tool to praise God and share my faith AND trying to make it pay. Not easy!
That's probably enough for now. We'll get to know each other better as we go along and if you hang around here a bit you'll find out a lot, lot more, I'm sure. I have (like most people) a few secrets and skeletons on my closet, many foibles and much weirdness about me and when I open up, I really open up! The medication has a lot to answer for, too...
Welcome to Wonderland - stick around for the ride!
God bless,
Emma
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