The 'living dead' in question being me...
My 'baby' boy (now 3!) had his first sleepover last night...won't know how it went 'til at least 11am. My hubby is away working this weekend but the new meds I'm on render me a complete zombie 'til around lunchtime so for my boy's sake he's stayed with good friends. He was supposed to be with our fabulous babysitter/nanny but she unfortunately had to cancel on Friday due to the 'flu, poor thing! Thank goodness, though, for Andy and Sarah who were able to heed the call at the last minute!
[Aside: I do wonder how many children end up abused and neglected because their otherwise well-meaning parents are drugged up to the eyeballs on prescription medication. I mean, my illness was reclassified as 'post-natal depression', yet there hasn't been a health visitor or psychiatric professional anywhere near our home in 3 years. I know William is ok...but the world outside our home only has our word for that. #Takes a deep breath# Okay, rant over. ]
~ ~ ~
Anyway, some good news! I woke up this morning to find I'd been featured in this Etsy treasury: http://www.etsy.com/treasury_list_west.php?room_id=73168 which was a lovely surprise!
Em ♥
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
CRASH
I've fallen back down the rabbit hole. The consultant offered me the proverbial red pill or blue pill and I chose wrong - now I'm paying for it.
Because my biggest problem seemed to be the 3 years without proper sleep (plus the clinical depression/post- natal depression and anxiety disorder) I switched from trifluoperazine started taking Trazodone to help me sleep. The problem is that the low dose I take, as a sleeping draught, doesn't work as an anti-depressant, but if I take a higher dose I need to sleep longer, which I can't do as I have a 3-year-old son to look after.
This means I can only take my full meds on Sunday and Tuesday evenings, because William is at nursery on mondays and Wednesdays. For the rest of the week I can only take a small dose. I already feel guilty enough about being only half a mum to William. I refuse to put him in danger or neglect him due to medication.
Result: I am now in the middle of a massive depressive crash. I can't describe how awful I feel , about everything. I'm trying sooo hard not to be negative about everything.
I'm seeing my psychiatric consultant tomorrow (yet another new one, but he seems nice from what Healey has told me about their recent phone conversation.) I really hope Healey can get the afternoon off work. I know I'll put my public face on and won't explain fully what's been going on.
Confession: I have been self-harming again. It's not that I've ignored the warning s signs of this crash, it's that I was unable to do anything to avoid it.
What I really need: A medication that makes me sleep right through the night, but not too drowsy throughout the next day. Or someone to take care of William in the mornings so I can get enough sleep. Hah, fat chance!
Because my biggest problem seemed to be the 3 years without proper sleep (plus the clinical depression/post- natal depression and anxiety disorder) I switched from trifluoperazine started taking Trazodone to help me sleep. The problem is that the low dose I take, as a sleeping draught, doesn't work as an anti-depressant, but if I take a higher dose I need to sleep longer, which I can't do as I have a 3-year-old son to look after.
This means I can only take my full meds on Sunday and Tuesday evenings, because William is at nursery on mondays and Wednesdays. For the rest of the week I can only take a small dose. I already feel guilty enough about being only half a mum to William. I refuse to put him in danger or neglect him due to medication.
Result: I am now in the middle of a massive depressive crash. I can't describe how awful I feel , about everything. I'm trying sooo hard not to be negative about everything.
I'm seeing my psychiatric consultant tomorrow (yet another new one, but he seems nice from what Healey has told me about their recent phone conversation.) I really hope Healey can get the afternoon off work. I know I'll put my public face on and won't explain fully what's been going on.
Confession: I have been self-harming again. It's not that I've ignored the warning s signs of this crash, it's that I was unable to do anything to avoid it.
What I really need: A medication that makes me sleep right through the night, but not too drowsy throughout the next day. Or someone to take care of William in the mornings so I can get enough sleep. Hah, fat chance!
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Good news/Bad news.
The good news:
Despite being ridiculously beautiful and doll-like, my 6-month-old neice was born with a cleft palate and lip. She had the lip 'corrected' (though I don't like that word) very early on but had to wait 'til now to have the first of a series of operations to build a full palate. Basically a small piece of bone is taken from her leg and used to make a new palate (aka the roof of the mouth.)
This first operation occurred last week and was a success and Kimberly is now recovering well - as is her parents and brother and sister! It was a smooth procedure but the aftermath was pretty horrendous for all concerned. I won't go into detail as I don't have my sister's permission, but suffice to say one particular junior doctor was severly told-off by an angry nurse. It may be a while before he goes near a baby with an intravenous drip again!
The bad news:
Two people I know well are seriously ill. One with breast cancer complications and another who's only just been diagnosed with a brain tumour, after having had his lung removed, due also to cancer.
It makes you re-evaluate everything- and makes you feel useless. All Heals and I can really do is pray, so we will.
Despite being ridiculously beautiful and doll-like, my 6-month-old neice was born with a cleft palate and lip. She had the lip 'corrected' (though I don't like that word) very early on but had to wait 'til now to have the first of a series of operations to build a full palate. Basically a small piece of bone is taken from her leg and used to make a new palate (aka the roof of the mouth.)
This first operation occurred last week and was a success and Kimberly is now recovering well - as is her parents and brother and sister! It was a smooth procedure but the aftermath was pretty horrendous for all concerned. I won't go into detail as I don't have my sister's permission, but suffice to say one particular junior doctor was severly told-off by an angry nurse. It may be a while before he goes near a baby with an intravenous drip again!
The bad news:
Two people I know well are seriously ill. One with breast cancer complications and another who's only just been diagnosed with a brain tumour, after having had his lung removed, due also to cancer.
It makes you re-evaluate everything- and makes you feel useless. All Heals and I can really do is pray, so we will.
Friday, 19 June 2009
WOOHOO!!!!!!
Now this may seem like a fairly small thing, but it's hugely important to me and you'll see why...
Every month I read my favourite magazine in the whole world, Black & White Photography. Not only is it an excellent specialist publication, but one of the finest of any type of photographic magazines. It is always superbly presented and well-written and is great for anyone from beginners to life-long, professional photographers.
Ok, advert over. Why am I so excited? Well, this morning I recieved a pre-released version of this month's magazine - with my 'letter-of-the-month' in it, accompanied by one of my very first still life shots!I knew it was happening as I'd already been told by GMC Publications' editor, Elizabeth Roberts and I was sent a copy of a lovely book for my troubles! It was still a wonderful surprise in the post, though!
I will scan and post the page here, in the meantime, here is a copy of my email as it appears:
Liz has also expressed an interest in publishing the whole set when it's finished, too!
#Doing the happy dance!#
Every month I read my favourite magazine in the whole world, Black & White Photography. Not only is it an excellent specialist publication, but one of the finest of any type of photographic magazines. It is always superbly presented and well-written and is great for anyone from beginners to life-long, professional photographers.
Ok, advert over. Why am I so excited? Well, this morning I recieved a pre-released version of this month's magazine - with my 'letter-of-the-month' in it, accompanied by one of my very first still life shots!I knew it was happening as I'd already been told by GMC Publications' editor, Elizabeth Roberts and I was sent a copy of a lovely book for my troubles! It was still a wonderful surprise in the post, though!
I will scan and post the page here, in the meantime, here is a copy of my email as it appears:
LETTER OF THE MONTH - Creative Shot in the Arm
As a huge fan of monochrome photography I have been an avid reader of your magazine for over two years now and every month I am inspired; howeverMarch's issue was especially welcome!
Due to a recurring long-term mental health problem my creativity hit a dry spell and my inability to get out and about much meant my photography became quite restricted. After reading about Andrew Sanderson's still lifes, however, I was motivated to have a go and have included the two best results. I was very pleased with them - especially as I planned, shot and post-processed both images in one afternoon! It's a whole new genre for me and one I intend to persue!
Thank you for the monthly creative 'shots in the arm' - I have just bought my copy of May's issue and have already read it cover to cover and am planning my first close-up nature shots (Assignment) and Lee Frost/Sense of Place-inspired coastal scene - we'll see how it goes!
Emma Newson by email
As a huge fan of monochrome photography I have been an avid reader of your magazine for over two years now and every month I am inspired; howeverMarch's issue was especially welcome!
Due to a recurring long-term mental health problem my creativity hit a dry spell and my inability to get out and about much meant my photography became quite restricted. After reading about Andrew Sanderson's still lifes, however, I was motivated to have a go and have included the two best results. I was very pleased with them - especially as I planned, shot and post-processed both images in one afternoon! It's a whole new genre for me and one I intend to persue!
Thank you for the monthly creative 'shots in the arm' - I have just bought my copy of May's issue and have already read it cover to cover and am planning my first close-up nature shots (Assignment) and Lee Frost/Sense of Place-inspired coastal scene - we'll see how it goes!
Emma Newson by email
- - - - - - - -
Liz has also expressed an interest in publishing the whole set when it's finished, too!
#Doing the happy dance!#
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Sorry I've not been around...(Warning: long moan!)
...my health has taken a massive downturn. I've missed a month off work and am about to have blood tests on Friday, then an MRI scan on my shoulder and the dreaded smear test next week.
Just to fill you in: my depression has been at its worst since 2006; my 'bad' shoulder has got worse and the orthopaedic consultant suspects a SLAP lesion (possibly torn muscle/ligament) so I need an MRI which means having x-ray fluid injected deep into my shoulder first and I have a condition called vestibulodynia (did I tell you that already?)which means smear tests are particularly painful.
I'm missing out on work, the theatre company, photography and just having a regular, adult life.
I am very needle-phobic and my anxiety is out of control. My sleeping pattern is worse than ever so I'm constantly fatigued. All in all I'm having an awful time of it. I can just about do one thing a day. By 6pm I'm wiped out, but still can't sleep properly. I'm self-harmong again. My photography business isn't exactly taking off and so Healey is still having to work extra hours so he's always tired, too. My Mum's MS is really bad at the moment, she's almost housebound and I can't help her.
I've really, really had enough.
Just to fill you in: my depression has been at its worst since 2006; my 'bad' shoulder has got worse and the orthopaedic consultant suspects a SLAP lesion (possibly torn muscle/ligament) so I need an MRI which means having x-ray fluid injected deep into my shoulder first and I have a condition called vestibulodynia (did I tell you that already?)which means smear tests are particularly painful.
I'm missing out on work, the theatre company, photography and just having a regular, adult life.
I am very needle-phobic and my anxiety is out of control. My sleeping pattern is worse than ever so I'm constantly fatigued. All in all I'm having an awful time of it. I can just about do one thing a day. By 6pm I'm wiped out, but still can't sleep properly. I'm self-harmong again. My photography business isn't exactly taking off and so Healey is still having to work extra hours so he's always tired, too. My Mum's MS is really bad at the moment, she's almost housebound and I can't help her.
I've really, really had enough.
Friday, 27 March 2009
Awesome to Awful and Back Again...
I don't care what anyone says - prayer works! Sometimes God answers in a way you weren't expecting - and it's actually better than you were expecting! - and sometimes He answers immediately. A couple of days ago I experienced the latter:
I recieved an email which, for no real reason, rubbed me up the wrong way. Time of the month? My cold coming on? Possibly. Anyway; I was feeling anger, an emotion I don't do well at all, welling up inside of me throughout the morning. My anxiety started to kick in, too. Not a good way to go to work. So I took myself into the hall, away from William's noise, and prayed. I asked God to help calm the anger and help me get some perspective. I also asked Him to help me with 'the Veritasse situation' and before I'd even finished praying I felt happier, calmer and had total perspective on the whole situation! God is truly awesome!!!
- - - -
For the past three years I have been persuing a complaint against the NHS regarding complications surrounding the pregnancy and subsequent birth of my son. I'm not going to started mud-slinging on this blog as there was also plenty of good support, but I will give you the background and basic outline: I have a condition called vulval vestibulitis (click for more info.) It means that I can't use tampons or have normal penetrative sex, so you can imagine my fear of giving birth naturally! Imagine a huge sore blister on the inside of your bottom lip. Now imagine pushing a melon out of your mouth past it. Exactly!
I didn't recieve the correct information or support throughout my pregnancy (as has been admitted by the trust) and women with VV are apparently not eligible for a caesarean section, according to the World Health Organisation (WHO.)
My consultant midwife was ineffective which made my anxiety worse. I have a witness to my initial consultation - my husband - but the trust are backing her completely and are refusing to admit she was in any way culpable. It's basically my word against theirs and my notes 'apparently' show her to be in the right. Interesting...
My depression re-occurred and was re-named Post-Natal Depression (as it recurred as a direct result of the birth trauma) and I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, for which I was treated for a year.
I'm now getting back on my feet, but I begrudge the mental health problems I and my husband and new-born baby had to be subjected to. For two years before I had William I was in recovery and felt strong enough, emotionally and mentally, to cope with a baby. Complications meant I was unable to breastfeed (which I'd intented to) as I was in so much pain for the first few days after the birth and even unable to pick William up for changes or feeds.
Anyway, now I'm in the tricky position of deciding whether to keep going with this. I'm not going to sue - I've missed the three-year deadline, anyway - and it's not money I want, it's justice and the hope that another woman won't go through what I went through. They have made some policy changes as a direct result of this, which is brilliant, but they're still goverened by what I think are ridiculous WHO guidelines beyond their control.
So there's only one way for me to go really, straight to the WHO and appeal for a change in policy. The idea that women who find sex nigh on if not actually impossible don't automatically qualify for a caesarean is frankly ridiculous!
Sorry for going on a bit...I actually held back quite a lot! Anger and blame doesn't solve anything. What's needed (as ever) is a change in the system. Just like with the mental health services in this country, it's usually the system that's at fault.
- - - - - - - - -
But back to awesomeness (is that a word?)... It's worth mentioning that because of the VV diagnosis, 11 years ago, I was given to understand that having a baby by natural means would be out of the question. We prayed and prayed and I got more depressed, then God sent us a beautiful boy - when we were ready for a baby. He probably had William earmarked for us all along, but waited for us to be in a better position to deal with a new baby. Any earlier and we'd have had less money, deeper mental illhealth and been less able to cope. Awesome!!!
I recieved an email which, for no real reason, rubbed me up the wrong way. Time of the month? My cold coming on? Possibly. Anyway; I was feeling anger, an emotion I don't do well at all, welling up inside of me throughout the morning. My anxiety started to kick in, too. Not a good way to go to work. So I took myself into the hall, away from William's noise, and prayed. I asked God to help calm the anger and help me get some perspective. I also asked Him to help me with 'the Veritasse situation' and before I'd even finished praying I felt happier, calmer and had total perspective on the whole situation! God is truly awesome!!!
- - - -
For the past three years I have been persuing a complaint against the NHS regarding complications surrounding the pregnancy and subsequent birth of my son. I'm not going to started mud-slinging on this blog as there was also plenty of good support, but I will give you the background and basic outline: I have a condition called vulval vestibulitis (click for more info.) It means that I can't use tampons or have normal penetrative sex, so you can imagine my fear of giving birth naturally! Imagine a huge sore blister on the inside of your bottom lip. Now imagine pushing a melon out of your mouth past it. Exactly!
I didn't recieve the correct information or support throughout my pregnancy (as has been admitted by the trust) and women with VV are apparently not eligible for a caesarean section, according to the World Health Organisation (WHO.)
My consultant midwife was ineffective which made my anxiety worse. I have a witness to my initial consultation - my husband - but the trust are backing her completely and are refusing to admit she was in any way culpable. It's basically my word against theirs and my notes 'apparently' show her to be in the right. Interesting...
My depression re-occurred and was re-named Post-Natal Depression (as it recurred as a direct result of the birth trauma) and I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, for which I was treated for a year.
I'm now getting back on my feet, but I begrudge the mental health problems I and my husband and new-born baby had to be subjected to. For two years before I had William I was in recovery and felt strong enough, emotionally and mentally, to cope with a baby. Complications meant I was unable to breastfeed (which I'd intented to) as I was in so much pain for the first few days after the birth and even unable to pick William up for changes or feeds.
Anyway, now I'm in the tricky position of deciding whether to keep going with this. I'm not going to sue - I've missed the three-year deadline, anyway - and it's not money I want, it's justice and the hope that another woman won't go through what I went through. They have made some policy changes as a direct result of this, which is brilliant, but they're still goverened by what I think are ridiculous WHO guidelines beyond their control.
So there's only one way for me to go really, straight to the WHO and appeal for a change in policy. The idea that women who find sex nigh on if not actually impossible don't automatically qualify for a caesarean is frankly ridiculous!
Sorry for going on a bit...I actually held back quite a lot! Anger and blame doesn't solve anything. What's needed (as ever) is a change in the system. Just like with the mental health services in this country, it's usually the system that's at fault.
- - - - - - - - -
But back to awesomeness (is that a word?)... It's worth mentioning that because of the VV diagnosis, 11 years ago, I was given to understand that having a baby by natural means would be out of the question. We prayed and prayed and I got more depressed, then God sent us a beautiful boy - when we were ready for a baby. He probably had William earmarked for us all along, but waited for us to be in a better position to deal with a new baby. Any earlier and we'd have had less money, deeper mental illhealth and been less able to cope. Awesome!!!
Saturday, 21 March 2009
So...I'm finally starting a blog. To be honest, I'm not sure who I'm writing this for. Me? Friends? God? My therapist? The fellow blogger who happens to pass by and stop? Who knows? I don't and I don't think it really matters to be honest. What counts is that I'm finally getting all this stuff out of my head and 'on to paper,' as t'were.
A good place to start might be a bit about myself. I won't go into too much detail at this stage. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me and I can be a bit full-on, life-history-wise. Tip: Never ask me how I am unless you really, really want to know, because I will tell you. In detail, if necessary!
So...a quick summing up
At time of typing...34-yr-old, married, mostly-stay-at-home mum; blonde; pt-time cafe assistant; semi-pro actor and photographer with a long history of mental illness and a very serious addiction to milk chocolate. My pet hates are rudeness and spitting. My phobias are spiders and hypodermic needles. The most important things in my life are my husband and our 3-year-old son, my Christian faith, my parents and my friends. I enjoy photography and am currently exploring ways to both use it as a tool to praise God and share my faith AND trying to make it pay. Not easy!
That's probably enough for now. We'll get to know each other better as we go along and if you hang around here a bit you'll find out a lot, lot more, I'm sure. I have (like most people) a few secrets and skeletons on my closet, many foibles and much weirdness about me and when I open up, I really open up! The medication has a lot to answer for, too...
Welcome to Wonderland - stick around for the ride!
God bless,
Emma
A good place to start might be a bit about myself. I won't go into too much detail at this stage. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me and I can be a bit full-on, life-history-wise. Tip: Never ask me how I am unless you really, really want to know, because I will tell you. In detail, if necessary!
So...a quick summing up
At time of typing...34-yr-old, married, mostly-stay-at-home mum; blonde; pt-time cafe assistant; semi-pro actor and photographer with a long history of mental illness and a very serious addiction to milk chocolate. My pet hates are rudeness and spitting. My phobias are spiders and hypodermic needles. The most important things in my life are my husband and our 3-year-old son, my Christian faith, my parents and my friends. I enjoy photography and am currently exploring ways to both use it as a tool to praise God and share my faith AND trying to make it pay. Not easy!
That's probably enough for now. We'll get to know each other better as we go along and if you hang around here a bit you'll find out a lot, lot more, I'm sure. I have (like most people) a few secrets and skeletons on my closet, many foibles and much weirdness about me and when I open up, I really open up! The medication has a lot to answer for, too...
Welcome to Wonderland - stick around for the ride!
God bless,
Emma
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